No time, no place to talk about the weather

In New Zealand, where restaurant meals cost two-to-four times as much as in Taiwan, meeting for dinner is a social event. So when I see people eating together but not talking, I assume they’re having a bad day—or that their relationship’s lost its spark.

But here in Taiwan, where food is cheap and small apartments don’t have kitchens, meeting for dinner can be perfunctory. A chance to sit with someone you like while ignoring them completely.

The mealtime hierarchy-of-needs goes something like this:

Small talk’s off the menu. So, given my cultural propensity to avoid silence by discussing the weather, I’ve had to adjust my approach in Taiwan.

To be unoffended if, instead of talking about literally anything, a friend focuses on their phone.

To be comfortable eating in silence, knowing our relationship’s just fine.

To accept proximity as an indicator of friendship.

Of course, not every meal’s like this. Tomorrow, for example, I’ll meet a friend from out of town and it’ll be great to catch up. Most weeks I meet another friend for language exchange, and we talk non-stop. Another is an expert in politics, and takes time to answer my many questions. (Mix an authoritarian past with the ongoing China issue, add a little corruption, fistfighting, and door barricading, and Taiwan’s political scene gets interesting real fast.)

But one thing that’s very different here is leaving a restaurant immediately after a meal. Typically, we get in, eat, and get out—often clearing our table on the way, as is customary in many restaurants and most cafes.

Meals in Taiwan can be relaxed, or they can be a race.

And although “meeting for coffee” can literally mean meeting for coffee (why would you want to chat?!), it can be a social event too.

Just skip the small talk.